I’m constantly amazed at how so many conflicting things can easily coexist within me. This afternoon I went to the grocery store and wandered the aisles for at least an hour, picking out things that appealed to my taste buds, planning meals for only me. I bought wine, and I drove home with the windows down, singing along with the radio and loving – loving – my life. I turned my music up loud and danced around my apartment – I made a beautiful dinner – I smiled a lot for no particular reason.
I watched TV tonight when I should’ve been working, and they played a Damien song on Crossing Jordan. I haven’t been able to listen to Damien for weeks, and I lost it a little bit, sitting here on the couch alone.
You know what? I want to be a kid for a while. I realize 24 is a little old for kid behavior, but you know what I mean. I want to go out with my friends and laugh at ridiculous things. I want to make out. I want to play my music loud and jump up and down in my apartment. I want to spend too much money on homemade gourmet meals just for me. I want to drink wine on a week night, and be ridiculously pretentious. I want to throw caution to the wind on occasion, dropping everything for the right phone call.
And I do want a boyfriend. I do. But I’m not ready for commitment, and I’m not ready for settling down, and I’m not ready for loving just one person for the rest of my life. Those are things I want – but right now, I just need to go mad for a while. I hope you understand.