dream lights

I’m constantly amazed at how so many conflicting things can easily coexist within me. This afternoon I went to the grocery store and wandered the aisles for at least an hour, picking out things that appealed to my taste buds, planning meals for only me. I bought wine, and I drove home with the windows down, singing along with the radio and loving – loving – my life. I turned my music up loud and danced around my apartment – I made a beautiful dinner – I smiled a lot for no particular reason.

I watched TV tonight when I should’ve been working, and they played a Damien song on Crossing Jordan. I haven’t been able to listen to Damien for weeks, and I lost it a little bit, sitting here on the couch alone.

You know what? I want to be a kid for a while. I realize 24 is a little old for kid behavior, but you know what I mean. I want to go out with my friends and laugh at ridiculous things. I want to make out. I want to play my music loud and jump up and down in my apartment. I want to spend too much money on homemade gourmet meals just for me. I want to drink wine on a week night, and be ridiculously pretentious. I want to throw caution to the wind on occasion, dropping everything for the right phone call.

And I do want a boyfriend. I do. But I’m not ready for commitment, and I’m not ready for settling down, and I’m not ready for loving just one person for the rest of my life. Those are things I want – but right now, I just need to go mad for a while. I hope you understand.

0 thoughts on “dream lights

  1. ah, first of all, great pix! luv the blurry light effect.

    second of all, yeah, go apeshit! i feel slightly embarrassed because what you classified as ‘kid behavior’ is what i have been doing for weeks, and for no good reason really, but i digress.

    so, yeah, go crazy, mad, etc. i find listening to eighties pop helps with the mix of zaniness and becoming a kid again.

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  2. “Run mad as often as you choose, but do not faint.” – Mansfield Park.

    You’re never too old to act like a kid, as it were. It’s a natural exuberance everybody can and should embrace. As a country gal these days, I like to put my discman on full blast and twirl around under the millions of stars in my backyard. Very cathartic. You’re doing wonderfully and experiencing things you should experience. We all should.

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  3. being alone and doing whatever you want rocks. my favorite few months were 4 years ago in florida when jason moved to ohio and i moved to a new apt… i was all alone and doing whatever i wanted and loving it.

    but it is also nice to share a bed with the same person who knows you and loves you no matter what (not that i’ve ACTUALLY experienced that, i just want it.

    Like

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