dispassionate

the ides of march. beware the ides of march

today is friday. blessed friday. time to go home, to go enjoy the freedom of two days, freedom of the weekend. why is it that at 22 this is my only freedom? why is it that my life is chained to my desk, that my week revolves around answering the phone? why am i not out having adventures and meeting exciting people and doing amazing things?

i don’t know how i feel about being in the work force. i’m so not ready to be a grown up. i want to have the freedom to pierce my nose and dye my hair blue and dress however i want (not wear socks, mainly) and just be a kid, i guess. the stability and routine of a full time job are appealing – but in the end, not very satisfying. i hate that i have to plan weeks in advance to go see friends or have a manicure because i have to schedule a day off. i hate that i only get 6 free sick days during the year – and if i have to take a day off beyond my 6 sick/personal days, it counts against me. i hate it! i need a job i can be passionate about – and unfortunately, there are all too few of those. i don’t want to spend my life in dead-end jobs, doing things that i hate to get by. my friend said “it’s not my career so i don’t give a shit” – that’s my current job in a nutshell. i do what needs to be done so i can go home at the end of the day and not get in trouble.

this malaise is coming at the same time that i got email from a friend that just met the boys – she went to some radio interview and got to hang out with them for a little while – so she’s all agog about them – and i’m super jealous! also i’ve been listening to NIN almost non-stop – trent is my new pin-up – to feel that strongly – even if it’s a negative emotion – that is what it means to be alive. i just feel like i have no passion – no drive – and the things that i do and feel are just pale imitations of greater things that i could be doing. i am so frustrated by my own inactivity – and by the petty things that drive the people around me.

i’ve gotta get out of this funk. thank god for the weekend.

e, over and out

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