sea change

Today I’m very tired, and am feeling somewhat jealous of people who live in cities. On our way to dinner tonight, I told SB that maybe by the time we leave here, all of our friends will already be gone, and all we’ll have to say goodbye to is french toast at Sam’s. I don’t really think that’s the case, but as we get ready to say another round of goodbyes, I’m starting to get sad because the longer I stay here, the fewer people I know. Maybe I’m just jealous of Soy’s haunted castle by the sea, but the idea of starting fresh in a new place seems appealing tonight.

just easier

Friends are a good, good thing. Spent Sunday pm with Sarah and Hannah, watching movies and eating good food. Sarah and I put together a bookcase, and I gave myself a nasty blood blister. I needed the companionship after a long hard night and morning – I am eternally glad of them.

Yesterday was lots of working – at home and at work – then Sarah came over and Jonathan later. Randomness ensued, and the cats were implicated in some sort of conspiracy. Nice to just have people here hanging out.

Tonight was pirates and tacos with Michelle and Diana – Michelle and I talked about our boys and how we miss them and what we miss about them. She misses having fun with hers, misses his smell, misses him being affectionate. I’ve gone through many phases of missing in the last 2-3 weeks. I’ve missed his laugh, his voice, his gorgeous blond hair, sex with him, his companionship, just being quiet together, watching him get dressed in the morning, curling into his body in sleep. Right now my bed feels really empty, and I just want him here so I can sleep next to him. Only a little more time. Michelle’s boy is in Iraq. I can’t even imagine.

Anyway, it’s been good, having friends around. Makes the nights less empty, you know? Some days it’s good to have time to spare – and others I just crave human companionship. My cats are lovely, but they are lacking in the communication skills.

And things are better with the boy, too. I didn’t hear from him today, but we talked yesterday and it was wonderful. I sent him a package of randomness, which he received and enjoyed muchly. We talked about silly and serious things, and laughed. He emailed me late Sunday night setting some things straight, and I emailed back in the morning when I was feeling much more stable. Michelle said today that long distance relationships are really hard unless you know definitely where you stand before you go away. I maintain that they’re hard, even if you know definitely where you stand. There are some things (and I’m not even talking about the physical) that are just easier when you’re near. It’s been a strange week already, and some days the ache is damned near overwhelming – but I know – I know – that this is what I want, and that it is worth the heartache. If you’re reading this – you – I love you far beyond words.

I know I said I was going to take a break from blogging, but we all knew that would be short-lived. It’s hot, and I’m bored, so what else am I going to do? I got off work at noon – they ran out of things for me to do – and I’ve been hanging around waiting to hear from the kids so we can take off for Rockford. Not that I’m packed or anything. I do have my laundry together, and my apartment is (relatively) clean. I went through a bunch of junk, and sorted out what I think are the last of the things to be returned. I’ve watched a couple of movies – Hideous Kinky and Down With Love. The former was gorgeous, the latter fun. I watched some of My So-Called Life and remembered being 15 and feeling desperately lonely and unattractive and like no one would ever want to be with me – not that I knew what I wanted anyway. And it was hard to realize that in many ways I’m still that fucked up 15 – though I think I was better at the straight face back then.

Yesterday was a rocky day. Work was fine – they found things for us (me and two other trainees) to do, which involved filing and climbing around in a record room and data entry. I got home, and five minutes later I was on my hands and knees soaking cat urine out of the couch again. Gypsy made her point – extravagantly. Cursing and crying followed, and a feeling of being utterly overwhelmed. My apartment was a mess. I’m broke. My cat is so bad. I’m lonely. My hair is falling out. Blah blah blah. So I took a hot shower and felt sorry for myself, and then forced myself to snap out of it. I did some dishes, then went to Kopi for food. Sitting in the window, watching the storm, drinking coffee and reading – just doing something nice for myself felt really good. I came home and finished cleaning, then talked to the boy for a few minutes. I know he’s really busy, and that it wasn’t a good time, but he feels so far away from me right now, and that’s a hard thing. He’s really quiet and withdrawn sometimes, and that’s hard to deal with, even when I can see his face. I hope I’ll get to talk to him this weekend, but I don’t know. The Academy starts in earnest on Sunday, and after that who knows. I have a photo of us by my bed – it’s from the weekend I moved here, so many months ago. We’re lying on the futon at the kids’ – he’s lying behind me and our hair is tangled up together on the red pillow. His arms are around me, and my hand is in his sleeve. We look so happy and peaceful, even though things were still so tumultuous. Remembering how crazy things have been makes dealing with the current crazy a little easier.

So right now I’m hot, and bored, and ready to go. I’m ready to swim, to see my sister and my parents, to go to IKEA. I’m ready to get out of town. Have a great weekend.