How am I?

How am I?

Physically?  I’m kind of a mess.  I’m not really eating or sleeping much.  It’s not that I don’t want to – I’m tired all the time and I really do enjoy eating – but when I try to eat, I get full really quickly and nauseous if I continue to eat what I know is a normal portion.  Exception to the rule seems to be chips and salsa.  I try to go to bed at a decent hour – but then I either lay awake, or do this weird sleep thing where I wake up every 30-45 minutes convinced that I haven’t actually been asleep.  I got 8-10 solid hours of sleep at Shawn’s Friday night, which was some kind of miracle, but today I was awake early again (thanks, people picking up yard waste).

Emotionally?  Again, a mixed bag.  Some days are really good, some days are really low.  Some days are in between.  Things seem to be mellowing out a bit with work and relationships and such, but I’m still up and down – just a little more in control.  I think the biggest Agent Of Evil is boredom, really.  I long for summers off, but I know it wouldn’t be a good thing for me emotionally.  I’m not a workaholic, but I definitely deal better with the rest of life when I’m working.

Financially?  Good, actually.  Well, I spent $40 on underwear today which I probably should’ve saved, but things are pretty stable for me right now, money-wise.  It’s a good feeling.  I still have bills and such – but I’m on top of them, so that’s a good thing.  I still owe money to my lawyer, but that’ll be paid off in a couple of weeks when I get my deposit back.  Definitely still living paycheck-to-paycheck, but am hoping that’ll change a bit.

Professionally?  Job sucks, but what are you going to do?  There’s a couple of things on the horizon that I’m thinking about, but nothing really worth mentioning – just some changing around that might lead to opportunities worth considering.  Not sure what’s up with UIUC, but I’ve made it my goal to have my GSLIS application out by early August.  I’m dying to get into school, but am feeling strangely dispassionate about the whole thing right now, which means that I’ve continued to stall.

So it’s kind of a mixed bag, but I’m getting by.  I’ve been reading a lot, which is good, but challenging as well.  I rode my bike yesterday and today.  Tonight we went out for sushi with friends, which was fun.  Gambit has been quite bad lately, and his neediness is just getting to be too much.  It’s looking very likely that Nate will take him back, and I think that’s probably the best thing for all of us, though I will miss my boy cat.  This week I mainly work at the hospital, and it is my friends anniversary with Sarah on Sunday – ten years.  Shawn and I had a nice night together Friday, and I got to wake up with him the last two days.  Life is a curious thing, friends.

it’s late and i’m wide awake and i don’t know why. in the other room he’s peacefully asleep – i think i fell asleep while he was finishing his chapter, and now am completely awake after a short nap. the birds are singing, and in the park some drunk kids are having a party. it sounds like fun, and for a few minutes i sat by the window to listen. tonight was a nice night – dinner with the kids for sam’s birthday, shared a bottle of decent low-priced pinot noir, then coffee and home. i love being able to walk to these outings, especially when walking in heels and a dress is still feasible. it felt like one of the first true days of spring. we sat on the porch most of the afternoon, reading and writing and just enjoying the day. after dinner we watched movies and i painted his nails green instead of blue, while my own nail-painting attempts were less successful. i finished my book, and now i can’t sleep.

A third post about me from someone I don’t know offline in a week. That’s hella random. Ada wrote about privacy, about discretion while blogging. Philip wrote about his divorce after reading about mine. And Shawn’s friend Jen wrote about my relationship with him, and how she perceives it based on what we’ve written in our blogs. I don’t really know what to say. The internet is such a weird and sometimes-wonderful place. Some of the things that were said make me ache – and others, I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Tonight, though, I felt very much like a little girl in love (or not-so-little). The party was a lot of fun – many many people I didn’t know, and a few I did. Kevin was leaving as we arrived, so I got to officially meet him for half a second. I came in nearly last in the Oscar pool (damned going with my heart), got a little choked up during Eugene Levy & Catharine O’Hara’s performance, and remembered (again and again) why I only have eyes for Shawn. He held my hand as we walked home in the rain, and my heart was caught up in another walk, another rain, another time lost in conversation and silence, in the pressure of one hand against another. Will it always be this vivid?

Finally finished Susan Minot’s Evening, which I’ve been meaning to get around to since I picked it up in proofs in 1999. There were parts that were ehh, especially at the beginning, which put me off because I had so looked forward to this book. But some parts just got under my skin in the same way Galatea 2.2 did this summer. I may have to post an excerpt at some point.

But now it’s after midnight and I have to work in eight hours – but I’m not tired. I suppose I should make an attempt at sleep – somehow insomnia’s not as much fun without a late night enabler on the phone or lying next to you.