I can’t help it – I just can’t. Maybe it’s Elliott Smith, maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s just in the subtle changes at summer’s end – but this time of year gets me down. I have very very much to be excited about – a new apartment (I told my parents!), an encouraging job interview, lots of adventures coming up – but August means heartache for me, and I’m hoping that three times is the charm and that I’ll get by unscathed this year. The end of my marriage in ’03, the end of my relationship with S in ’04, what-the-heck-ever with C in ’05 – I’m ready for summer to end happily instead of with tears. I have a good feeling about ’06, though. I just do.

I just feel – weird these days. I dunno. Maybe it’s Paxil withdrawal. Maybe it’s too much randomness. Maybe it’s the transition back into the school lifestyle. I feel – restless a lot, and uncertain, and a little disconnected from the whole thing. Maybe it’s reading Galatea again, which has had me crying at the bus stop more than once. It’s like everything and nothing have changed. My friend Neil likes to sometimes withdraw completely from other people – I’m starting to see the merits of that lifestyle choice. I’m not depressed – no, nothing like that – just, out of sorts. *shrugs*

Tonight I’m too tired to talk about big things. On my lunch break in the sunshine I walked to Strawberry Fields and had a half-sandwich and a blackberry soda. I finished early, and spent half an hour just wandering around, enjoying being outside, sneezing from my seasonal allergies. At work we’re training a new boy, who spent ten minutes explaining his tattoos, all various symbols of/for peace, tolerance, democracy, and diversity. He works for an agency that helps student environmental activist groups organize and network with other such groups. Last night after a giant laundromat trip Sarah and I had dinner on the patio at Guido’s. It was nice to just sit downtown and watch the regulars walk by on their way to Aroma (including the guy with the shark!) and not have to worry about running inside to make their drinks. Tonight I’m too tired to hurt, and I’m too tired to be sad. Sooner or later the physical exhaustion had to catch up with me. Despite all the shit, I mainly just miss him.

body dynamics

I had a weird half-hour or so this afternoon where I felt entirely out of touch with my body. Something happened, and I was freaked out and shaky, and rather than just chilling and calming down, I went on with my day. I wandered around Meijer in a bit of a daze, really out of it and a little scared of everything around me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way before. It was a really strange feeling.

I’ve been on Paxil about a week now, and I wonder if it’s doing anything. I wondered the same thing when I was on Lexapro a year ago – if the drugs I was putting in my body were actually doing anything or if my mental state was just improving on its own. I suppose this week probably hasn’t been the best on which to judge changing mental and/or emotional states. I really wore myself thin this week between the move and work and unpacking and spending time with Shawn and such – to bed after 1 and up at 7 every day. I feel steadier, though, and I’ve laughed a lot in the last 24 hours between general silliness and good times with Shawn and the bizarre-itude that is reading Seventeen magazine with Megan at work.

I don’t know. Maybe I question these things too much. *shrugs* What I definitely know is that I need to take better care of myself – physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, etc. My diet has been complete and utter shit the entire summer. I haven’t had any regular exercise in months. My sleep is still fucked, and going to bed late isn’t helping. I’m going to try to change all of that, though. I’m hoping to start doing yoga in the fall. I’m going to cook more, and (attempt to) go out less. I need to figure out what’s going on with my body, and I can’t do that while I’m treating it like shit.

There was a great booming storm last night, the kind that will wake you from a dead sleep. I wanted to sit up and watch it, but my sleep had been weird already – to bed at 11:30, back up at midnight until 12:45, then the sneaking suspicion that someone was in my apartment, only to remember the uneven bookcase and the way it shifts without provocation.

Last night was $1 sushi at Kamakura. We sat on the floor in the coatroom reading our books as what seemed like half of C-U crowded in – then had our $12 worth of super tasty sushi. What a great idea! $1 sushi should be every day – or at least once a month.

A few movies of last – last night was Vertigo. I haven’t seen many Hitchcock films, but it was immediately apparent that the references to this one are everywhere. Over the weekend I finished Frida, which was very good, and we watched Pitch Black, which afforded Vin Diesel the chance to speak some amazing lines and generally display his hotness.

This weekend was Sara‘s sangria party. By the time I got there the sangria was all but gone, but it seemed like everyone had a terrific time. I had some sangria-soaked grapes and did some bouncy dancing, which is always a good time. Shawn looked majorly hot, but then I’m a little biased. 🙂

Mainly right now I’m feeling a little isolated – like I’m wrapped in a big thick layer of blankets or insulation – and this layer is cutting me off from being able to really know what I need or want. So if I seem a little distant or odd these days, that’s a big part of it.

How am I?

How am I?

Physically?  I’m kind of a mess.  I’m not really eating or sleeping much.  It’s not that I don’t want to – I’m tired all the time and I really do enjoy eating – but when I try to eat, I get full really quickly and nauseous if I continue to eat what I know is a normal portion.  Exception to the rule seems to be chips and salsa.  I try to go to bed at a decent hour – but then I either lay awake, or do this weird sleep thing where I wake up every 30-45 minutes convinced that I haven’t actually been asleep.  I got 8-10 solid hours of sleep at Shawn’s Friday night, which was some kind of miracle, but today I was awake early again (thanks, people picking up yard waste).

Emotionally?  Again, a mixed bag.  Some days are really good, some days are really low.  Some days are in between.  Things seem to be mellowing out a bit with work and relationships and such, but I’m still up and down – just a little more in control.  I think the biggest Agent Of Evil is boredom, really.  I long for summers off, but I know it wouldn’t be a good thing for me emotionally.  I’m not a workaholic, but I definitely deal better with the rest of life when I’m working.

Financially?  Good, actually.  Well, I spent $40 on underwear today which I probably should’ve saved, but things are pretty stable for me right now, money-wise.  It’s a good feeling.  I still have bills and such – but I’m on top of them, so that’s a good thing.  I still owe money to my lawyer, but that’ll be paid off in a couple of weeks when I get my deposit back.  Definitely still living paycheck-to-paycheck, but am hoping that’ll change a bit.

Professionally?  Job sucks, but what are you going to do?  There’s a couple of things on the horizon that I’m thinking about, but nothing really worth mentioning – just some changing around that might lead to opportunities worth considering.  Not sure what’s up with UIUC, but I’ve made it my goal to have my GSLIS application out by early August.  I’m dying to get into school, but am feeling strangely dispassionate about the whole thing right now, which means that I’ve continued to stall.

So it’s kind of a mixed bag, but I’m getting by.  I’ve been reading a lot, which is good, but challenging as well.  I rode my bike yesterday and today.  Tonight we went out for sushi with friends, which was fun.  Gambit has been quite bad lately, and his neediness is just getting to be too much.  It’s looking very likely that Nate will take him back, and I think that’s probably the best thing for all of us, though I will miss my boy cat.  This week I mainly work at the hospital, and it is my friends anniversary with Sarah on Sunday – ten years.  Shawn and I had a nice night together Friday, and I got to wake up with him the last two days.  Life is a curious thing, friends.

umm…

i don’t really know where i am tonight. just kind of waiting, i guess. i feel pretty tentative, and like there’s something on the tip of my tongue that i need to say but can’t quite get out. and somehow writing all in lower case helps get that across? i don’t know.

a nice quiet day. spent a lot of time bumming around online this afternoon, then had lunch and some reading at paradiso and dinner with the kids. tried to help jen figure out her boy problems. we ordered a pizza online and got a confirmation call-back saying they had no mushrooms within about a minute of placing the order.

i don’t know. i just feel weird right now. my face is all screwed up into a mask of skepticism, and i guess i’ll just have to wait for this one to pass. all i know is that weird is better than sad.

I know I said I was going to take a break from blogging, but we all knew that would be short-lived. It’s hot, and I’m bored, so what else am I going to do? I got off work at noon – they ran out of things for me to do – and I’ve been hanging around waiting to hear from the kids so we can take off for Rockford. Not that I’m packed or anything. I do have my laundry together, and my apartment is (relatively) clean. I went through a bunch of junk, and sorted out what I think are the last of the things to be returned. I’ve watched a couple of movies – Hideous Kinky and Down With Love. The former was gorgeous, the latter fun. I watched some of My So-Called Life and remembered being 15 and feeling desperately lonely and unattractive and like no one would ever want to be with me – not that I knew what I wanted anyway. And it was hard to realize that in many ways I’m still that fucked up 15 – though I think I was better at the straight face back then.

Yesterday was a rocky day. Work was fine – they found things for us (me and two other trainees) to do, which involved filing and climbing around in a record room and data entry. I got home, and five minutes later I was on my hands and knees soaking cat urine out of the couch again. Gypsy made her point – extravagantly. Cursing and crying followed, and a feeling of being utterly overwhelmed. My apartment was a mess. I’m broke. My cat is so bad. I’m lonely. My hair is falling out. Blah blah blah. So I took a hot shower and felt sorry for myself, and then forced myself to snap out of it. I did some dishes, then went to Kopi for food. Sitting in the window, watching the storm, drinking coffee and reading – just doing something nice for myself felt really good. I came home and finished cleaning, then talked to the boy for a few minutes. I know he’s really busy, and that it wasn’t a good time, but he feels so far away from me right now, and that’s a hard thing. He’s really quiet and withdrawn sometimes, and that’s hard to deal with, even when I can see his face. I hope I’ll get to talk to him this weekend, but I don’t know. The Academy starts in earnest on Sunday, and after that who knows. I have a photo of us by my bed – it’s from the weekend I moved here, so many months ago. We’re lying on the futon at the kids’ – he’s lying behind me and our hair is tangled up together on the red pillow. His arms are around me, and my hand is in his sleeve. We look so happy and peaceful, even though things were still so tumultuous. Remembering how crazy things have been makes dealing with the current crazy a little easier.

So right now I’m hot, and bored, and ready to go. I’m ready to swim, to see my sister and my parents, to go to IKEA. I’m ready to get out of town. Have a great weekend.

A long week already

Let me just tell you that closing-opening-closing-opening will wear on you. I worked 6-12:30 Sunday night, then went out for drinks for Kim’s birthday, meaning I didn’t get to bed until 2ish. Monday I worked 8:30-5:15, watched a few minutes of kickball, then worked 6-12:30, THEN took my car into the shop, getting to bed again around 2. Tuesday I worked 8:30-4, and then, by the grace of Ron, went home at 4 and took a nap. Yawn. I needed it. This is how two jobs will wear me down – not with the busyness, but with the physical exhaustion.

I gave my unofficial notice at work on Monday. I was worried that they’d be super pissed, but Mandy said she was expecting it – they called to check my reference last week. My last day at the bank will be June 4 – and I couldn’t be more pleased. Will I be sad to leave here? No. Will I miss the people I work with? Some of them. Will I miss my customers? Probably. But it’s fine. The ones I really like I can still visit.

I had my pre-employment physical at Carle this morning – I forgot to drink anything, so they had a wicked time finding my veins, but I survived. It will be strange going from being a face to a number again, but the anonymity is good too.

Finally got my car fixed. Shawn and I dropped it off Monday night after work – that was a debacle. I had misheard or misread the name of the service center, so in the middle of the night we were driving around looking for G&K service center, not TK. We eventually found it, and we picked the car up last night. My car is so much happier with the new belts, and I’m happier because it didn’t cost as much as I thought it would.

24 was freaking great last night – I can’t believe there’s only one episode left! There are rumours of a fourth season in the works – that would be interesting, but they need to get some fresh faces. At least certain people are dead and deffo won’t be around again…

Right now I feel a little like shit, and a little like my head might explode. My seasonal allergies have been punching me in the face, and the long hours and short sleeps haven’t helped. It usually goes this way – my allergies act up, then I don’t take care of myself, then I get dehydrated, then I get sick. I’m hoping to nip this one in the bud, though.

I’ve been reading a lot, though not as much as I’d like. I need to post to the book club site soon, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. I did, however, complete one of my resolutions by finishing The Chronicles of Narnia.

A few odd moments lately – moments of joy and depression, of separation and remembrance. Eva’s first anniversary was a year ago Monday, and that was strange for me. Monday night Sarah and Hannah and Shawn came to see me at work – watching them play games and read and laugh together apart from me made me feel like I was watching their life before I was a day-to-day part of it – the time together with friends, when the three of them were so very close. How much has changed in a year. And there have been times of intense happiness in the last week, and times of intense depression. I’m hoping the job change will alleviate some of the stress that has been causing the depression, but it’ll take more than that to fix everything. And maybe wisdom is learning when it’s best to just live with the unfixable.

For now, though, it’s almost time to go home. Tonight is the last episode of regular man’s Law & Order with Jerry Orbach, so that’s a definite must-see. I just want to relax and not think about money or goings-away or my body for a bit. I think that’s an OK request for the night.

a rare mood

A few minutes to post before I have to head out the door to work – so this may be brief.

Friday was such a hellaciously busy day at work – I wanted to talk to my boss, but there just wasn’t time. We’ll be busy for a few more days, I suspect, and then it will be dead for the duration of the summer, or at least until the students start coming back in droves. Thank God I’ll be gone by then. Got off work, still in a rare mood, and went home to see about the plans for the evening – dinner at Jillian’s, then out to Nargile. One blase comment had me in tears again, and I took the hottest shower I could stand to snap out of it. A quiet hour at the boy’s, then we met Sarah and Hannah (recently returned from Florida) at Jillian’s. A nice night, though the cover was too much and the dj sucked – but it was nice to be out and to dance a little while.

Slept in Saturday – spent most of the day just lounging around reading and watching the boy play video games. Later in the grey day we went to see Troy, which wasn’t as horrible as it could’ve been (also not as good). It was v pretty to look at and they remembered Aeneas, but apparently the director thought all the business with the gods was too silly to include. I actually have never read the Iliad, and should really be about that one of these days. Hmm. Dinner at Courier, then home to watch Best in Show, which was great, but not as good as A Mighty Wind.

This morning we slept in again and I read a couple of books. Shawn played Zelda and obsessed over his blog. We sat on the porch for a while. It’s so nice out and I don’t want to go to work, but I know it will make the evening pass quickly. I mainly don’t want to go back to work tomorrow, but such is the way of things. Not everyone can be on summer break. Hope you had a lovely weekend.