wednesday things ‘n’ things

things that are making me exceedingly happy include, but are not limited to:

  • the salad i just had at kopi – chunky chicken salad, some kind of interesting vinaigrette, toasted french bread, yum
  • suggested poster art for an imaginary snakes on a plane sequel
  • tom jones being knighted
  • being past the halfway point in the term
  • tomorrow morning’s exercise adventure with sonya
  • 24!! how many more people will jack choke?!
  • being in a good relationship. really good. with a bonus fuzzy cat.

things that are making me exceedingly stressed out include, but are not limited to:

  • spain in just over a month! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!!!
  • being past the halfway point in the term
  • realizing, after i sent out the email, that i neglected to include the EFFING CONSENT FORM in my research survey. it’s out there – i just didn’t link to it – and i hope i haven’t fucked myself.
  • being 20c short when checking out, and having my card declined because of unavailable funds.
  • needing to prepare for a two hour lecture (or something) in two weeks
  • the future.

On an unrelated-to-the-above note, this article came across my Bloglines this evening – it address what should and should not be blogged about, which is something I’m trying to deal with retrospectively. There are a lot of things I talked about 3-4 years ago that simply don’t need to be public. That’s all I’m going to say about that. The most important part of the post, I think, was this advice:

In choosing how much to divulge, consider:

  1. Will this hurt your family and friends?
  2. Will this put your job in jeopardy?
  3. Most importantly: Is such a disclosure really interesting anyway?

I think the last is the most interesting and salient point, and one I’m going to have to think through as well.

valentines

Things I have done on previous Valentine’s Days:

  1. Spent $200 on the best meal I’ve ever had
  2. Went to see Shakespeare in Love
  3. Met a boyfriend’s parents
  4. Watched 24 and did my laundry

Things I will do this Valentine’s Day:

  1. Run two classes
  2. Continue filling out my Institutional Review Board form
  3. Watch 24
  4. Go to Subversion

I’m fine with the lack of celebration because I’m surrounded with more love than I could imagine every single day. May my love reach you all.

your face has faded but lingers on

Another night of nothing accomplished. It will be past one when I finish this post, and I’ve barely touched my readings in two days. Instead I’ve traded my focus for 24, baking, talking to friends online, coffee with a boy, and reading Galatea on the bus.

Today in lecture we talked about the ways wireless technology – specifically mobile phones – has become integrated into our day-to-day life – and the challenges and excitements inherent therein. We talked about the blurring boundaries of personal and public spaces. I stood on the corner waiting for my bus and a girl passed me by, messenger bag thumping on her hip, phone clutched to one ear while she brushed tears out of her eyes with the cuff of her denim jacket. On the other side of the street, students walked with phone in one ear and iPod in the other, animated anonymous convos in the midst of a crowd. While we sat at the coffeeshop, his phone rang and mine vibrated. How is it that this technology with the potential to be so unifying instead makes us marginalized?

He said when he first moved to Urbana it was like moving to New York City – so many new people, so many cool new places, the anonymity of not knowing. Now it has all grown familiar. For me this landscape is still being written, but it does seem a place out of time, or at least out of place – this hotbed of technology and thought in the middle of the fields. Every day a reminder that we’re not the norm, and that’s strange to me after years in a city that embodied the status quo.

I’m rereading Galatea and listening to Iron & Wine’s “Each Coming Night” on repeat – both about memory, being remembered, what we keep and what we lose. I’m imbued with this quiet thoughtfulness, with this apartness. I am – still.

Today is the birthday of one that I love, and my own has just passed. So often I feel as if I am living both the past and the present at the same time. My beloved friend, true brother of my friend and love of my sister, has married without telling us, those for whom he is as close as blood. My heart is full, full to overflowing, and I am quiet.

Addendum

I worked with the label girl again tonight – I found out that she just finished her degree in dance performance, and will be auditioning for a company in Chicago next month. Her boyfriend, the one with whom she hung out all Saturday night, is an opera singer and was in tonight, translating Don Giovanni. Wow.

I almost got a new free love seat, except it started storming on the way home. So much for that item of free furniture.

Also finally connected with my sister on the phone tonight. She’s watching Wonderland, which we watched over the weekend. She’s talking about coming down in a week, which would be really nice.

When I said that I lack the promise of a future, I wasn’t exactly clear. It’s not that there isn’t a future – that this relationship has nowhere to go – I guess what I meant to say is that this relationship – this life – doesn’t have a planned future. I’ve always had a shady five year plan or one year plan – now I’m constantly kept guessing. We could have such a life together – but right now those things are only dreams, not necessarily something to wait for.

It’s late, and I should sleep. I have another day of double shifts ahead of me. S’OK, I can use the money. Definitely. It’ll just be late cos I’m going to Shawn’s to watch 24 after Aroma. I’m hoping I can finagle the morning off. We’ll see….

A long week already

Let me just tell you that closing-opening-closing-opening will wear on you. I worked 6-12:30 Sunday night, then went out for drinks for Kim’s birthday, meaning I didn’t get to bed until 2ish. Monday I worked 8:30-5:15, watched a few minutes of kickball, then worked 6-12:30, THEN took my car into the shop, getting to bed again around 2. Tuesday I worked 8:30-4, and then, by the grace of Ron, went home at 4 and took a nap. Yawn. I needed it. This is how two jobs will wear me down – not with the busyness, but with the physical exhaustion.

I gave my unofficial notice at work on Monday. I was worried that they’d be super pissed, but Mandy said she was expecting it – they called to check my reference last week. My last day at the bank will be June 4 – and I couldn’t be more pleased. Will I be sad to leave here? No. Will I miss the people I work with? Some of them. Will I miss my customers? Probably. But it’s fine. The ones I really like I can still visit.

I had my pre-employment physical at Carle this morning – I forgot to drink anything, so they had a wicked time finding my veins, but I survived. It will be strange going from being a face to a number again, but the anonymity is good too.

Finally got my car fixed. Shawn and I dropped it off Monday night after work – that was a debacle. I had misheard or misread the name of the service center, so in the middle of the night we were driving around looking for G&K service center, not TK. We eventually found it, and we picked the car up last night. My car is so much happier with the new belts, and I’m happier because it didn’t cost as much as I thought it would.

24 was freaking great last night – I can’t believe there’s only one episode left! There are rumours of a fourth season in the works – that would be interesting, but they need to get some fresh faces. At least certain people are dead and deffo won’t be around again…

Right now I feel a little like shit, and a little like my head might explode. My seasonal allergies have been punching me in the face, and the long hours and short sleeps haven’t helped. It usually goes this way – my allergies act up, then I don’t take care of myself, then I get dehydrated, then I get sick. I’m hoping to nip this one in the bud, though.

I’ve been reading a lot, though not as much as I’d like. I need to post to the book club site soon, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. I did, however, complete one of my resolutions by finishing The Chronicles of Narnia.

A few odd moments lately – moments of joy and depression, of separation and remembrance. Eva’s first anniversary was a year ago Monday, and that was strange for me. Monday night Sarah and Hannah and Shawn came to see me at work – watching them play games and read and laugh together apart from me made me feel like I was watching their life before I was a day-to-day part of it – the time together with friends, when the three of them were so very close. How much has changed in a year. And there have been times of intense happiness in the last week, and times of intense depression. I’m hoping the job change will alleviate some of the stress that has been causing the depression, but it’ll take more than that to fix everything. And maybe wisdom is learning when it’s best to just live with the unfixable.

For now, though, it’s almost time to go home. Tonight is the last episode of regular man’s Law & Order with Jerry Orbach, so that’s a definite must-see. I just want to relax and not think about money or goings-away or my body for a bit. I think that’s an OK request for the night.

OK By Myself

I’m feeling not-myself tonight, and I’m not entirely sure why. Yesterday was a gorgeous day of independence and doing things for myself and I guess I’m not used to that feeling – it’s a little unsettling. I think yesterday was one of the first days when I really felt OK with being by myself. I did things here, I went to dinner, I read, I had coffee, I walked, and I went to bed when it was time. Just small things that add up to a strange confidence that I’m not used to.

I’m featured in this month‘s Day 17. Pretty thrilled about that in a quiet way.

24 was pretty great tonight. I picked Shawn and Hannah up from the Union, dropped Hannah off at home, then went back to Shawn’s with some Taco Bell for dinner. Too bad they decided that I wanted meat instead of beans, instead of the other way around. Just chilled and watched tv while Shawn graded. I got Stitch’n Bitch in the mail yesterday and had fun reading it tonight – there are so many things I want to make! Came home a little while ago, and am now trying to convince my body that I need sleep. My circadian cycles have been weird lately – my friend Liz and her husband have got their sleep down to a science, so maybe I need to take a cue from them. Either way I should be off.


Last night was nice – bummed around here and played online for a while, adjusting the color scheme and what not – took a shower, then went to Shawn’s for 24, where we learned more about the terrorist baby, who just reallllly complicated a relationship. I made French Onion soup all pretentious like, complete with a little crust of bread and melted mozzarella cheese. Tasty. Friends was super great – the one with Joey reading Little Women and when he gets sad (or scared), the book goes in the freezer. A good plan. I hung out there til about 10:30, then headed home.

Today? Work, calling the guy about the editing, emailing the lawyer, cleaning my apartment, hoping for mail, then meat night tonight with the kids. Nicole is coming, as is (maybe) CandyPants, so it should be fun!