I ran my first marathon yesterday. And I want to tell you about it, but I want to talk about this first.
I took this photo because I liked my pre-race layers – the Divvy shirt was going to be tossed before the race started – but when I looked at the photo on my phone, I wasn’t happy with it because I didn’t like how my belly looked.
Let that sink in for a minute. I was an hour away from the start of my first marathon, an accomplishment preceded by months of training and hundreds of miles logged on calloused feet and strong legs, all of which was done while working full time and with a toddler who still nurses nearly as much as he did at 9 months. And in that moment, I was upset at the shape of my belly.
I don’t remember when I first internalized that I was bigger, or that my weight was something I needed to be concerned about. Certainly by the time I was 12-13, I believed it to be true. I don’t know when I started understanding that my body had value, or that the value of my body to some might exceed the value of the heart and mind that it contained. But there were certainly long years where that felt true, and unlearning that truth was costly.
Whenever I run a race and see little girls watching and cheering, I think about how important it is for girls in particular to see women of all shapes and sizes doing hard and amazing things that aren’t limited to the traditional confines of gender. Every time I accept a high five from a little girl on the course, I hope that it’s a meaningful moment for her, that my imperfect body will be added to the many many messages she’ll receive about who and what she can be, that she’ll understand that she doesn’t have to have a perfect body to be amazing.
3 thoughts on “I want to talk about this first.”
Maybe even that our imperfect bodies are … perfect. Perfectly who were are and an amazing testament to our lived lives and the risks, rewards, etc. that scar us in good ways and bad.
Amen, sister! It’s only very recently that I have started to make a tentative and uneasy peace with my body. I realized a few months ago that I’m a doctor, not a model, and the fact I have a belly or that my arms are not perfectly toned just really doesn’t fucking matter. It’s taken a long time to get to that point though.