upon hearing about my insane schedule, my friend told me “as long as you’re happy, that works”. i wasn’t sure what to say. am i happy? i dunno. this is a very good, very challenging life – i can’t imagine being anywhere else or doing anything else right now. i am taking a difficult load of classes (even after dropping one this week), but it’s good because i feel like i’m in way over my head and want with everything in me to understand the things i’m reading about. i am constantly surrounded by interesting, funny, intelligent, awesomely weird and wonderful people – coworkers, friends, family. i spend every spare moment reading, which is all i ever wanted for my life. i struggle to make it through the long days – and then i have moments of clarity and peace with the wind in my hair riding my bike home in the dark, or of perfect synchronicity in the pool when the rhythm of my breath determines the rhythm of my laps, or of abandon on the dance floor, being spun around and around by my friend while i just laugh and laugh.

but am i happy? i dunno. i’m tired, mostly, and in the back of my mind is the siren call of the camino, of packing up and leaving this place in a year and setting off for places unknown. while doing research for the new course management system i’m going to be running, i got distracted by looking at developmental partner schools in spain, thinking that the things i’m doing now might open those doors for me in a year or two. i think, though, that i’ve given up on speculating where life is going to take me – and i’m just trying to be in it as much as i can. and that – that is good.

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0 thoughts on “

  1. there are now doors open to you just about anywhere you wanted to go, love. there really are. *hug*

    i know the feeling – i don’t know that i’m happy either, but i love this life. it’s crazy, it’s busy, it’s insane – but it’s what i always wanted. and this is what you wanted. and now we get to have it, and everything that comes with it – and each other, too.

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  2. i’m with you on the schedule insanity. if i have to sincerely ask myself “so, now what?” and then go more than 15 seconds without a response, i feel lost.

    as for spain, go. just go. any advice other than “go” seems like a disservice…

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