standing on end

Beth says she feels You near, as if You are running Your hand down her arm at the distance before her hair starts to stand on end. I understand. I feel like You’ve been there just beyond a place that I can reach for such a long time. I was reflecting on – this – the other day and said this was prefaced by my convo with Melissa – no, with talking to N about the camino – no, with thinking about the camino – no, I don’t know. It’s as if this has been just beyond the place of reason for a long time, and I’ve just become aware of it, like a shadow that has been following me. The conversation was the crisis point, but You’ve been there for a long time, just waiting. It is as if by opening myself up to the possibility of human love, of loving and being loved by N, I opened myself up to You.

I told the family about the Camino yesterday – they’re skeptical but not openly doubting. I think it’s so far off that no one believes it’ll happen – that I’ll change my mind before then or get distracted or something. Have been thinking of getting the pilgrim’s symbol – a snail? a shell? – tattooed on my inner wrist – marking my journey on my skin like a map or a icon (to use Madeleine L’Engle’s word).

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