Let me just say that spring mornings are addicting. My sleep has been kind of weird and I’ve been waking up just before sunrise, watching the honeyed dawn through the window by my bed. There’s something really wonderful about curling up for an extra hour of sleep in a pile of pillows and blankets and sunshine.

Tonight my heart and mind are somewhere between the ocean and the mountains. The semester is winding down, but I definitely am not. After a couple of chill, quiet weeks without much responsibility (save, you know, the 20 hours at one job, 20 the other, and coursework), I have so much to do and so little initiative to do it. I’m throwing myself into work projects to avoid the schoolwork I desperately need to be doing. I have a paper due next week that I’ve barely started thinking about. I have a pile of articles to read, and an internship application to write. I have lectures to record and a networking project that simply won’t come together no matter how hard we try. I am so grateful (now and always) that I’m not teaching – and to think that in the fall I’ll be taking four courses instead of three.

Today I had a really good and encouraging conversation with a classmate about my career and educational direction. We started talking as class got out and ended up sitting in the empty classroom for 45 minutes talking about educational technologies, frustrations with departments that are interdisciplinary but don’t like to admit it, and the directions we see our careers taking. Sarah and I have had a number of similar conversations, but it was really good to have it with someone outside my inner circle.

I’m sore tonight after a really good workout. I’ve been going to the gym for a month and a half and I don’t know if it’s the music or the new-found dedication, but the my workouts have only gotten more intense. I don’t see much change from my “before” pictures, but I can feel the difference in my body.

At the beginning of this year I resolved to do more things for me, to do better things for me, to be healthier. I’m more stressed out now than I was this time last year, but the stress is ultimately a good thing. I spent a long time thinking about my life last week – and realized that there’s nothing I would change that won’t eventually change in time. I can’t tell you how wonderful that felt.

Today I have finished a lot of the work I needed to get done. That is, if ‘finished a lot of the work I needed to get done’ can be loosely translated as ‘sat on my porch and stared at my computer in a rather demented fashion’.

the here and now

I am so freaking frustrated at the moment. Both of my jobs are getting to me in “insulting my intelligence and competence” sort of ways, but this really isn’t the place to blow off steam.

On the bright side, my apartment hunt is looking up. Still no word from the lofts, but I’m looking at a couple of promising places next week. Today I looked at a place conveniently located 10 minutes from my office – unfortunately that was mainly the only thing it had going for it other than that it is owned by my hot-ass landlord. Note to self: don’t rent an apartment just because the landlord’s hot.

On another bright side, I feel fantastic. I’m still not entirely sold on my gym, but I have been noticing – and loving – the changes in my body and my energy levels. I feel way comfortable in skirts and sandals and dresses and all my springy clothes. Swimsuit season is coming soon, though, so I’ve got to keep working. I really kind of want to go workout crazy this summer – the gym, swimming, yoga. I’m not body obsessed by any means, but it feels so good to be active – and if ‘active’ can mean being in the sun, even better!

It’s gorgeous here again after a dreary mid-week. I want to have a house full of people all weekend, but I have to work – and when I’m not at work, I have to be studying and writing and reading. Hopefully I can do some of that on the porch. I told my landlord today that had he asked me if I wanted to keep my apartment on a day like today, I would’ve been hard pressed to say no. I’m hoping to have a party in a month or so – cocktails and such on the porch on an early summer evening – I wish you all could be here.

Coursework is set for the summer and fall – just one class over the summer, and four in the fall term. I’m quickly realizing that I’m in the wrong department, so now it becomes a torture weighing game – great career-minded job while in a department doing the wrong coursework vs no job in a department doing career-minded coursework. Oh, I don’t know.

What I do know, though, is that in half an hour I’m off to have falafel and hummus with my friends. I’m hoping that’ll make my cares go away, if only briefly. I feel so silly and superficial saying this, but things like hummus and balancing in stilettos make it easier to deal sometimes.

after the affair: april 2005

agnes is posting a mix a month, so i’m going to try to do the same. this one’s been kicking around my head for a couple of weeks, a track here and there. call it catharsis?

after the affair
01 the cure – just like heaven
02 damien rice – i remember
03 tegan and sara – wake up exhausted
04 melissa ferrick – anything anywhere
05 iron & wine – sinning hands
06 ani difranco – you had time
07 over the rhine – latter days
08 aimee mann – deathly
09 joseph arthur – bottle of you
10 elliot smith – miss misery
11 third eye blind – losing a whole year
12 bloc party – like eating glass
13 fiona apple – shadowboxer
14 keane – we might as well be strangers
15 sarah harmer – don’t get your back up
16 melissa ferrick – i still love you
17 iron & wine – bird stealing bread
18 damien rice – cheers darlin’
19 the poem adept – able glass note

I think everyone on my block who has a porch is having a party. Well, except me. It has been another gorgeous spring weekend – and again, I have spent it in the kitchen at Aroma. In a moment I think I might open a bottle of wine and take a glass and a book out on the porch – that seems like a good way to spend the waning hours of another Saturday night in Champaign. Tomorrow my house will be full of people – tonight it’s just quiet, save the noise from my neighbors.

It’s come as a surprise to me that in my mid-twenties I am embracing all sorts of ridiculously girly things I would have laughed at five years ago. I have a drawer full of halter tops. I want drawers full of lingerie. And tonight I bought my very first pair of stilettos. They are red and open-toed and have a little buckle. They are wildly impractical and totally fabulous.

It feels like there’s a change coming in the wind. It feels like my life is changing again. It feels like I am changing again. I didn’t see this coming. Strange.

In honor of National Poetry Month and Oday’s ongoing poetry series, here’s something I stumbled across this evening.

Come to the edge.
We might fall.
Come to the edge.
It’s too high!
COME TO THE EDGE!
And they came,
And he pushed,
And they flew

Christopher Logue

The Illini lost, my 24 tape crapped out, and my iPod hates me. The end of the game was breathtaking, at least from the radio broadcast, and when I left work at 10:30 you could hear the craziness erupting. I toyed with going to campus, but instead came home and will hopefully take some photos in the morning. Tonight Chris talked about televised sports being the opiate of the masses – it’s crazy-true. Shawn came over to watch 24 – or, rather, the few minutes of 24 we could eke out of my pathetic VCR/tape – I think after 13 years the VCR may have bit the dust. And my iPod – it worked this morning when I exercised to Carl Cox live at Crobar, but when it came time to go to school the touch wheel was out of order. Sad.

On the bright side it was an extraordinarily beautiful day, and you could feel the energy and excitement pulsing throughout campus.