I know I said I was going to take a break from blogging, but we all knew that would be short-lived. It’s hot, and I’m bored, so what else am I going to do? I got off work at noon – they ran out of things for me to do – and I’ve been hanging around waiting to hear from the kids so we can take off for Rockford. Not that I’m packed or anything. I do have my laundry together, and my apartment is (relatively) clean. I went through a bunch of junk, and sorted out what I think are the last of the things to be returned. I’ve watched a couple of movies – Hideous Kinky and Down With Love. The former was gorgeous, the latter fun. I watched some of My So-Called Life and remembered being 15 and feeling desperately lonely and unattractive and like no one would ever want to be with me – not that I knew what I wanted anyway. And it was hard to realize that in many ways I’m still that fucked up 15 – though I think I was better at the straight face back then.
Yesterday was a rocky day. Work was fine – they found things for us (me and two other trainees) to do, which involved filing and climbing around in a record room and data entry. I got home, and five minutes later I was on my hands and knees soaking cat urine out of the couch again. Gypsy made her point – extravagantly. Cursing and crying followed, and a feeling of being utterly overwhelmed. My apartment was a mess. I’m broke. My cat is so bad. I’m lonely. My hair is falling out. Blah blah blah. So I took a hot shower and felt sorry for myself, and then forced myself to snap out of it. I did some dishes, then went to Kopi for food. Sitting in the window, watching the storm, drinking coffee and reading – just doing something nice for myself felt really good. I came home and finished cleaning, then talked to the boy for a few minutes. I know he’s really busy, and that it wasn’t a good time, but he feels so far away from me right now, and that’s a hard thing. He’s really quiet and withdrawn sometimes, and that’s hard to deal with, even when I can see his face. I hope I’ll get to talk to him this weekend, but I don’t know. The Academy starts in earnest on Sunday, and after that who knows. I have a photo of us by my bed – it’s from the weekend I moved here, so many months ago. We’re lying on the futon at the kids’ – he’s lying behind me and our hair is tangled up together on the red pillow. His arms are around me, and my hand is in his sleeve. We look so happy and peaceful, even though things were still so tumultuous. Remembering how crazy things have been makes dealing with the current crazy a little easier.
So right now I’m hot, and bored, and ready to go. I’m ready to swim, to see my sister and my parents, to go to IKEA. I’m ready to get out of town. Have a great weekend.