Do you find yourself here?

Do you find yourself here? In the space between moments where you try your best to get things done but just somehow can’t? It’s easier for me, I think, because I don’t have things that must be done. There are things that should be done to make my life easier – dishes, laundry, general cleaning, fixing my car – but nothing like work to be done at home, kids to feed, papers to finish. So I can get by on not doing much – or anything, if I feel like it. There’s a reason I now have two jobs, beyond just needing money. And it’s not that I’m a workaholic – it’s that (again, disregarding the money) I fall into this slump, this depression, when I have nothing to do. Nothing is asked or needed of me – except by me – and so I don’t find the time or energy to do anything. Evidence of that – I sat in a chair and read two books straight this afternoon, only moving to stretch or get more coffee. Sounds like an idyllic afternoon for many – and to me, mid-week, it will be the height of luxury – but right now, blah. I’m not engaged in the life around me today, and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s that there’s nothing to be engaged in? I don’t know.

It’s been a nice weekend, though. Friday night was Sara’s birthday dinner, complete with burgers and hot dogs and little cheesecakes and my kick-ass summer salad and guacamole. Everyone’s been so stressed and so busy – it was nice to just sit there and talk about nothing for a few hours. Back to Shawn’s, where we watched Reign of Fire, which was every bit as reterrible as I remembered. 🙂 Saturday got up early and headed home so Shawn could get ready for his parents’ impromptu visit – we four had lunch at Applebee’s, then went to Meijer, where his mom seemed inordinately excited about me going shopping with them. Hmm. Back home mid-afternoon – read in the park and took a nap, then worked until midnight-ish with one of the other new girls. It was quiet but steady, and we got out of there in good time. Walked to Shawn’s and read on the porch for a while, then went to bed late. Got up around noon, then spent the afternoon (as mentioned above) reading – Shawn took me home around 5, and I’ve been bumming around ever since. In a little bit I’ll make dinner.

So, yeah. I just feel profoundly – blah – these days. Some days are really good – there’s sunshine and laughter and good food and good sex and good sleep and good company – and others it’s hard to get motivated to do anything. I really need a vacation, but that’ll have to wait until July, if not later – depending on what happens with my interview on Monday. Shawn isn’t leaving for a couple of weeks – not as early as I thought after all – so we’ll hopefully have a couple of nice weekends to come. I told my boss that I want all the hours he can give me in June (so as to pass my unoccupied evenings and weekends). My apartment feels un-lived-in – I’m here to eat and sleep most days, and that’s about it. My cats have the run of the place, and seem to spend most days asleep in sunbeams. I think it’s time for a walk.

It is impossibly gorgeous today. It is hottish, and sunny, and breezy. Apparently yesterday all the perfectly proportioned undergrads turned out to lie around in bikinis on the quad – Shawn said he wasn’t sure if he was at a Big 10 university – or a tanning salon. The extent of this wonderfulness that I get to experience, however, will be limited to the walk from my apartment to work tonight, as I’m working back-to-back shifts. Today’s the first day I’ve had to do that, so we’ll see how I survive. I’m thinking a lot of caffeine will be required.

Yesterday was pretty great too – well, at least once I got off work. Work wasn’t as hideous as it’s been, but my coworker mysteriously disappeared while I was on lunch – no one will tell me why she left, but I’m thinking they sent her home due to her new “extreme” hair color. Shawn came over and we drank our wine cooler margaritas in the park while watching a nebulous game of frisbee. Dinner at Farren’s, then home to watch Gosford Park, which was good, but a lot slower than I would’ve liked. Shawn spent the night, and I kept setting my alarm back this morning so I could spend more time curled up next to him. It’s been great sleeping weather, which may explain my lethargy the last few days. The morning went by pretty quickly – but I have five more hours at the bank, followed by six-and-a-half at the coffeeshop, so no rest in sight for me. *yawn*

Tonight turned out to be a lot better than I expected. Sarah called me after lunch to say that she got called in to work, and did I want her Rent ticket. Sure! So at the end of a long and shitty-shitty day, I joined Hannah and Amity for Thara Thai, then met Shawn for the show. It was really great, and I’m glad I went. I wish Sarah could’ve gone, though – I know the show has special meaning for her.

The weekend ended up pretty nice as well – I worked a hella long shift at Aroma with my boss, which was exhausting but good – left work at 12:30 and walked to Shawn’s, where he obliged my exhaustion and provided me with snacks and a backrub. We watched Punch-Drunk Love, which was odd and wonderful, then turned in and slept, soundly, until almost noon. Sunday was sleeping in and reading in bed, then more sleeping, and reading, and food from Sonic. We opted not to watch the earthquake monstrosity, and instead watched The Singing Detective, which was pretty terrific in and of itself.

So yeah, just some ups and downs the last couple of days. A bad hangover and lots of emotions, then a good but exhausting shift. A shitty day at work, then a nice night with friends and music and pie. Finding three grey hairs – the first in years – and getting a cute top in the mail. It all evens out in the end.

But right now my heart goes out to Russ’s family on the loss of their beloved sister, Mary. If you pray, think of them.