Finding My Place

A quiet weekend after so much uproar. Friday night was tender and quiet – lots of tears and holding and just surviving. Saturday was spent with friends – lunch, then working all afternoon, then dinner and movies and sleep. Today I’ve been firmly planted on the couch all day, reading and catching up on my mail. I wish I had good news to tell instead of bad, but somehow the telling makes it a little better. I have lots of options. Tonight we’re going to an Oscar party at Amy & Donovan’s – Kevin of whygodwhy is supposed to be there, which would be cool. But for right now I’m sitting on my couch with my little girlkat in my lap, drinking a soda and thinking about nothing.

This rejection feels almost like the end of a relationship – and I suppose every disappointment is like that in a way. This rejection means reconfiguring my vision of my future self. I had it all worked out in my head, how I was going to be, how my life would be, how things would change. And then things happen and it all changes. The teaching E, the going-to-school E, the talking about classes and students E – she doesn’t exist, and if she ever will, it won’t be this fall. Maybe an in-the-moment mindset is best because then you can’t be disappointed when the things you hope for don’t come to fruition. I sound terribly morose, but I’m not. Maybe it’s that so much has already changed – this bitter let-down is just another in a series of unpredicted events that has totally shaken up my world or my conception of the world. But I’ll change with it, as I have changed so many times before. No summers off – not yet – but I have the chance to change jobs, to find another way to be down here.

I suppose the hardest part of it is that I feel even more out of place with my English department friends. It’s hard being the only non-department person at dinners – and still harder being the only non-student of the bunch. Now those are exacerbated by the nagging feeling that I’m not good enough for that group because not only am I not a part of that world – I tried to make it and was rejected. No one has ever made me feel that way overtly – it’s just a nagging issue of self-confidence, of self-worth. I know I’m intelligent and a good friend and all that – but this has been another blow to my pride, and one I’m going to have to live with every day. But I guess that’s life.

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