I don’t know what’s gotten into me these days. I’m restless and tired and I feel like I’m in transit, in limbo. Not like before, though, when my whole life was on hold. Nothing like that. Not uncomfortable, not ill-at-ease, just as if I’m sitting on a bench waiting for my train to arrive and it’s taking its own damned time. Waiting to hear from the lawyer. Waiting to hear from UIUC. Waiting for my birthday. Waiting for things to be right.
And at the same time my friends are dealing with things – job changes, job possibilities, relationship changes, moves, school, friends in jail, friends not getting along – and I want to be there and do what I can. It’s too bad I can’t be a professional empath cos I’m damned good at it. I’m good at the stopping, the stepping back, the reasoning through – for everyone by myself. Do you think I could do that for a living? Just set up shop in some coffeehouse and charge people by the hour to talk? Not therapy, per se, just a listening ear. And you know what, people would pay. Sad but true. I want to have the right answers for everyone. I want to say the right thing and help the people I care about. I want to wave my Tub Tints bath wand and be Santa for the twentysomething, as Amanda once described me. And I want to not worry about these things either.
But right now I guess I’m just in a funk. I need a vacation. I love my apartment, but I want to not be here for a couple of days. I want a few days off work – all my friends have been on break the last couple of weeks, and I’m wicked jealous. I’m not eligible for vacation time until April – APRIL – but when it comes around, I’m definitely using it.
And a little of me is regretting not paying the rest of the layaway and getting my lovely bike – not that I could use it right now or can really afford a $900 bike. It would just be a toy that could take me places, I guess. And, oh yeah, the RAGBRAI is definitely out for me. No bike, no money, no vacation time, no team. Maybe some other year.
I think a big part of this malaise comes from the fact that I have nothing in which I can lose myself. Sarah and Hannah have their work and their boys. Shawn has video games. Amanda goes out and parties with friends. Jen has a million jobs and the blessed herb. I sit on my butt at work all day, surfing the web cos there’s nothing else I can do. I come home and cook, clean, putter around, and find excuses to spend time with my friends. I don’t watch much TV, I don’t watch many movies – I read a lot, but I haven’t read anything that I could lose myself in lately. Time alone is good for me – I know it – but time spent just stewing is not.
Resolution #4389: Get a life.