It’s the end of a long weekend, and I’m tired.

It’s the end of a long weekend, and I’m tired. Friday night had dinner with Hannah and Shawn and watched Whale Rider – sweet. Had a brilliant thought and put my new mattress under the futon mattress when we got home – nice and soft and firm. Hoo-rah for sound and not-creaky sleep. Woke early to drive to Springfield to take the GRE – it sucked and the math part nearly made me cry, but I survived. Dinner with Shawn at Courier, then watched Gattaca (soooo pretty) and Arlington Road and went to bed late late – I think the upstairs kids were moving furniture or playing underwater soccer or something cos there was definitely commotion at 4:30am. A lazy day full of reading and lounging and lunch with the kids at Le Peep and not working on the NaNovel. Now it’s somewhat lateish and I’m tired – I should be writing, but I think I’m going to crash.

This is the toast I would like to give next Friday but will probably forget:

To absent friends
and present loves,
To a day off work
and a week off school,
To new lives and loves
and homes and jobs
and friends and novels
and challenges,
To Shawn on his birthday
And to Acadia for her new home,
To these I raise my glass.

So do I kill myself now….or do I wait for the rejection letter?

OK, maybe it wasn’t that bad.

OK, maybe it was.

OK, maybe I’m just tired and feeling funky.

nano!

Last night’s NaNo write-in was a lot of fun – Sarah, Shawn, Michelle, Emily, and Kathryn all brought food – we had quiche, an egg casserole, soup, cheese (yay, cheese!), crab dip, and brownies. Yum. Lots of writing and insanity ensued, and everyone’s a little further ahead.

Two days away from the GRE and I’m flat out terrified. Maybe I’d be less scared if I was doing any sort of preparation – but between writing and friends and food and all of that, I just haven’t had much awake time at the computer. I suppose I should stay home tonight instead of going to the MFA reading – but maybe I’ll just stay up and play with it afterwards.

The novel is coming, but slowly. At times it’s cathartic, and at others it’s just damned difficult. Why do I do this to myself? Oh yeah, cos I want the things I write to have weight and meaning – and cos I can’t write things that don’t. Which isn’t to say that the fun and crazy things my friends are writing are of any less value than my novel – just, I think I would get distracted and not be able to concentrate on something that didn’t have personal weight and value. But that’s just me.

Sarah’s putting Acadia up for adoption, as it were. I feel so bad for her – she’s agonized over this decision for so long – but I do think she’s doing the right thing. It will be hard and sad and a different type of exhaustion – but I think in the long run it will be the right thing.

“I’ve got so much beauty around me I can’t move
I’ve got so much beauty around me I can’t lose
I’ve got so much beauty around me I can’t choose
I’ve got so much beauty around me, around you”
Damien, “Toffee”

So I didn’t get even half of what I wanted to do accomplished today – but it was still a productive day off. A trip to the yarn store, lunch with Shawn, several scenic tours around the English building in search of Gail – no Gail – the laundromat, the grocery – dinner with Sarah, then post-24 hanging out and knitting and back-massaging. Now it’s late-late and I’m sleepy.

Somehow my kids here seem to know just what I need – encouragement, admonishment, food, sleep – last night I needed company, tonight I needed something different. What do you say to those people who give you everything other than I love you dearly?

I am such a fucking hypocrite. I really, really am. I am a fucking hypocrite. I’m happy on my own, but not when I have to be alone. I love my apartment, but not when I have to be here by myself. Not sure the stimulus for this fit of self-loathing – I had a wonderful weekend, I got so much done on the novel today (I’m up to 15,259!), and in general I’m really happy. I’m reading, I’m writing, I’m thriving, I’m cleaning, I’m bathing, I’m eating – I’m not shutting down. I’m doing so much better emotionally and mentally than I was two months ago – and that’s a really good thing.

It was a good weekend. Friday night was good – coffee shop and movies and sushi and curling up together. Saturday spent the day with Shawn just hanging out, playing with music, writing some – the eclipse (worth putting pants on, I promise), then dinner at Applebee’s (sometimes the chains are OK, really) and watching Finding Nemo (so cute) while writing – also Caveman’s Valentine. Today slept in until late, then hung out and read while Shawn graded – NaNo write-in at 5:30, then home.

Again, most of the time I’m so happy and content with my life – it’s just, coming home to an empty apartment is at times rough. Maybe once I get my gatito it will be easier?

Lunar eclipse tonight – super cool. If you haven’t already missed it, check it out. 🙂

Saw Bubba Ho-Tep last night with Shawn. Wow. Not sure which was stranger – the movie or the kimchee sushi we had before. Strange and reterrible. 🙂

Total procrastination today – I meant to write so much more than I have thus far. I think I’ve gotten maybe 300 words done – I’m at least two days behind. I keep telling myself that it’ll be OK, that I’ll get caught up in a few days – but it doesn’t happen. So maybe I should stop blogging and start writing. Nah, that’d be silly.

A really terrific review of The Matrix Revolutions – it gets bogged down a little bit in the middle, but for the most part is really good. Read and enjoy the matrixy goodness.

Nice quiet lunch at Panera. I finished Unless by Carol Shields. More thoughts on this on the book club site.

I’m trying not to be one of those kids who posts all the time cos they’ve got nothing better to do, but, well, it’ll happen from time to time.

mmmmmmMatrix. Shawn and I went to see The Matrix Revolutions tonight – brilliant. I will reserve judgement on the rest of the film for now – just, a lot of things are wrapped up in interesting and unforseen ways – some parts are visually stunning – and at one point I did cry. Sad but true. I’m sad that the trilogy is over – no more pretty Neo for me.

So I think I know where my novel is going, but I’m not entirely sure how it’s going to get there. I’ve established three main characters, at least one big event, and some narrative convolutions that I’m pretty happy with. Now I just need to get the word count up. The nice thing is that I know how it ends (or at least middles) – now the task is to fill in the back and front story. That’ll take 43,662 words, right?

A little – heartsore tonight. Things are on my mind, big things, things I have to worry about now that I didn’t before – not in the same ways. Again I pray only for strength – and peace.

A list of things I want (as inspired by this site):

    + a laptop with ethernet/network thingies (so i can check my email anywhere)
    + a microwave
    + another hour in the day located between 5-7am so I can sleep more without sacrificing my evening plans
    + new tights that are both wicked cool and appropriate for work (harder to find than you’d think)
    + a super soft and cushy mattress (queen sized, of course) and flannel sheets to go with it
    + better speakers for my computer
    + a great tasting drink (sweet but not too sweet, just light and alcohol-y)
    + a new kicky just above the knees plaid skirt with buckles
    + Bacchus’s goat cheese and mushroom crostini
    + 10,000 words to appear from the ether

That’s all for now. Thanks, kids. Oh, here’s another thing. I’m looking for some new (or old) and exciting music – any recommendations? I got a few from my LJ but am always up for more.