I turned in my notice at work today. I’m terrified. My boss was really terrific – she knew it was coming and said “Oh no!” when I asked if she had a minute. I just sent out an email to the department and my other friends here letting them know – and everyone’s been great so far. It’s just scary, flinging myself at uncertainty. I know it will be beautiful though.

Questions from Sarah. At some point I’m going to STOP asking for interviews.
1. What is your favorite memory of me?
Wow. One of my favorite memories would have to be the many nights we spent playing hide and go seek with Jason and Dustin et al – lying in the grass in my front yard, staring at the stars, just being. And the morning before the wedding when I was so hung over and sick and you gave me a letter you’d written the night before, talking about how much you loved me, how much you admired my capacity to love – and I just cried. And our moves the last three months – helping you into your house with Hannah – you helping me pack, first for the house, then out of the house. I feel like we’re so much closer now than we were even three months ago. So no, I can’t pick just one.
2. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
If you’d asked me this question six months ago, my answer would’ve been dramatically different. I really don’t know. All of the things I thought I wanted in my life – that I thought I would have by that time – have now been brought into question. I would like to be living somewhere beautiful (urban/suburban/not quite rural) with a partner I adore and cats and books and laughter and lots of light. I would like to have found a career I love – an office of my own – again, books and light and laughter and fulfillment. Maybe I’ll have a child. I hope to be traveling and reading and cooking and writing and thinking and loving and laughing. I hope to bring joy to the people around me. I hope to be – happy.
3. If you could remind me of one thing you know I’ve forgotten from the last ten years, what would it be?
Oh Lord. So now I’m supposed to know you as well as I know myself – AND know what you’ve forgotten? Hmm. God, I don’t know. Remember the first time we went to Java Bean? Nothing in particular sticks out about that trip other than the feeling that we were exceptionally grown up and special because we went to a coffee shop on our own. What a nice feeling. I’m still discovering that.
4. Why do you want to come to grad school?
I want to come to grad school because I need to be engaged in intellectual pursuits. I want to come to grad school because I need to surround myself with people who think. I want to come to grad school because , while I’ve resisted it for two years, I really think academia is part of my calling. I want to come to grad school to wrestle out what that calling is and entails. I want to come to grad school because, really, I enjoy being overeducated (but not necessarily underpaid).
5. What fruit does chalk not write on?
Pears? What a strange question. I really have no idea. I give up.
6. Who is your favorite poet? (Justify if you feel the need)
I read so little poetry – I have read so little poetry – that answering this question seems a bit false. I’m going to have to say TS Eliot – though I really love this poem by Robert Herrick. Good question! I am a sad, sad English major.
7. What is your favorite moment from the last two months?
There have been so many. I would have to go with either Sunday afternoon, sitting around reading and drinking tea and talking and playing with the fuzzy lumpkins and just being – or the hour or two before the housewarming party, featuring three dips in three food processors simultaneously AND the lovefest. “Your hair looks so pretty!” “No, YOUR hair looks so pretty.” So happy. So silly. So us.
8. What’s the first thing you’re going to cook in your new apartment?
Either homemade tomato bisque and grilled cheese sandwiches – or a proper meal: roast chicken, Grandma’s fab mashed potatoes and a pie. I suppose that depends on if I’m cooking just for me – or for company.
9. What do you need from me?
Everything I need, I have. The depth of your love and support amazes me. You amaze me. I need you to need me – to love me – to do all the things that come naturally to you after all these years.



A lovely weekend of reading and friends and sunshine and cats and movies and free free free books. My stack in Sarah and Hannah’s garage is growing ever-larger. Makes me happy. I have probably one carload left at Nate’s, then furniture.
Interview today with Busey Bank. I’m not a career banker, but it would pay the bills. Maybe. We’ll see. Still no word from the CPL, but I did hear from the landlord about the apartment I love. As long as I have a good cosigner, I’m in!
A busy day at work – well, not inordinately busy. Dan and I wrote up a WHOLE LOT of transfers, only for me to discover that there was a lot of overlap in what we did – so about half the transfers didn’t actually have to be written up – at least not by both of us. Damn my aching shoulders. At least we get free food tomorrow.
Still not quite done with The Drawing of the Three, but if I have ANY chance to read tonight, I’ll finish. I meant to finish it Thursday night but watched the extended edition of Fellowship of the Ring. Mmm, Aragorn.
So I revealed this weekend that I can’t multiply, I’m awful at Scrabble, and I am on occasion late for social engagements due to Lord of the Rings. And somehow I still have friends? How does that work?

in memorium

An anniversary. I can’t decide if I give these things credence or not. There are things we should never forget – but where do we draw the boundary line between never forgetting and always remembering?

Can one be addicted to blogging? I find myself wanting to write about so many things, both intimate and ridiculous, and have to exert restraint to not do so.
News of the day: Dan has started a blog. I am drinking cranberry juice and wanting to take my shoes off. Tonight I’m making Indian food of some sort – chicken and jasmine rice. I’m half done with The Drawing of the Three, which I expect to finish tonight. Last night was the first real night of un-Ambiened sleep in six weeks. On the edge of such uncertainty, my life has become rather calm.

not a family birthday

An interview from the terrific James:
1. If you could have one of the following powers, which would you choose: the ability to play all musical instruments as soon as you pick them up OR the ability to speak all foreign languages at will.
You know, that’s a tough one. I would really, really like to be a musical prodigy – but I think being able to speak any foreign language at will would be a more practical power. So really, as I don’t seem to be destined for rock stardom, I’m going with the languages. At least that’ll increase the chances of getting laid. 🙂
2. What was the first song you ever remember slow dancing to?
Oh lord. I remember “Hotel California” being on right when we walked in to Homecoming my Junior year. It was my first real dance – the gym looked amazing – and I had a great time. I do not, however, remember slow dancing so much as I remember all of us standing in a circle with our arms around each other singing along with “American Pie.” There must’ve been slow dances then and at other dances – but the first one I really remember was dancing with Dustin to “Wonderful Tonight” at Prom my Senior year.
3. When was the last time you laughed for so long that your stomach or face hurt? What was so funny?
I never laugh as much as I do when I’m around Amanda. The night before the housewarming party she and I laughed until we nearly pissed ourselves – about everything. One highlight: at one point we discovered that this giant grasshopper had taken up residence in my office. We tried to kill it. I smacked it down off the ceiling, then it proceeded to hop/fly away. Some manic smacking ensued, at which point it appeared to be dead. I scooped it up and put it in the trash – only to glance over half an hour later and see the fucker climbing back out of the trash! Amanda put on my shoe and stomped the hell out of it – we decided that if it came back to life, we were going to worship it. It didn’t, but we laughed a lot.
4. Would you rather be able to speed read or read lips?
Speed read, definitely. I’m sure reading lips has its benefits – but if I can’t hear what people are saying, chances are I don’t need to.
5. If you could move to any other state in the union, where would you move to and why?
I would really like to live on both coasts, but haven’t settled on any particular state. I haven’t done enough traveling as an adult to really get a feel for places that would suit me. Unfortunate but true. Any recommendations?

Heidi has started a blog! Hoo-rah! Welcome to the blogging world, kid.

Today I am officially tired of being a girl. The things that go along with being a girl suck so much at times. I won’t go into the fun little biological details – just, I get sick of having a female body sometimes. Not that I’d want to be a boy – just, whatever.

Ursula linked to this article, which sums up quite a quandary in my life and the lives of many people around me – the blogging world, if you will. What is public and what should be kept private? Believe it or not, there are a lot of things I keep just for me – things that I’m dying to write about yet I know this isn’t the right forum. One thing I’ve definitely learned in my year and a half of blogging is to choose my words wisely. Again, you might not believe that given the length of entries these days – but I do. I’ve written about things that were wholly inappropriate – and that has hurt people. I’m sorry. I’m trying to find the boundary line, and sometimes I stray over it. Please let me know if I do.

Not much else to report today, I guess. I had an exciting trip to the grocery store last night – my first real visit to Woodman’s. I’m a grocery tourist. It’s true. I had been to the liquor department there but never the actual grocery store part. Wicked exciting. I read more of The Gunslinger after talking to Sarah and Shawn, then went to bed early. Exciting times, these.

happy birthday, mark

Good Lord, moving is a pain in the arse. I could’ve told you that several times over – but this time it’s almost worse. At least when we moved into the house we had places to put our stuff – now I’m moving by carload – and each carload has to sit in my car until I can get to Sarah and Hannah’s. Which means that the stuff in my car will have to sit there until Friday night at the earliest. Ugh. I super appreciate Nate letting me come by last night – and all the packing he and Joe have done for me – but it still sucks to have yet another week with my car full of crap. And it’s not like my stuff has a home – it will just sit in the garage until I find a home. Which I am no
closer to than I was a week ago.

Reason #4,098,531 to love my sister: she brought me donuts from Edwards Apple Orchard.

Started reading The Gunslinger from The Dark Tower series last night after Dan AND Jim AND Shawn recommended it. Actually I wasn’t totally won over until Shawn sent the books home with me. Who am I to argue with loaned books? Really. Thus far it’s good – fairly engrossing, though some plot points are a bit plodding. I suppose I should just be grateful that there are no cars from another dimension…..yet.

happy birthday, mom

A nice weekend. Spent lots of time with Sarah and Shawn and Hannah – got to see Lucky, Mark, and Missy, however briefly. Mark’s house isn’t the hellhole he’s made it out to be – and Lucky’s hair is now orange. Hmm. I made Shawn watch The Hours – lost at Trivial Pursuit – was dragged along not unwillingly to an English department function – looked at apartments – fell in love with the Champaign Public Library despite some really weird organization things – bought some used books for cheap! – left late and arrived home exhausted but happy. I need more weekends like this. Being there and leaving just intensified my desire to be there all the time – to be able to do things like breakfast with friends and lunches out and wandering used bookstores and just being to the top of my bent. I’m tired in many ways but glad I went.

The apartment search has hopefully born fruit – I fell in love with an apartment on Church, just off this pretty little park, a block up from a Thai restaurant – within walking distance of just about everything, including the library. The bedroom has big windows and was full of sunlight in mid-afternoon – the living room and kitchen are cool – and the shower head does NOT stop at my shoulder. That’s a big plus. I could see being very happy there – really making the place my own. I’m hoping it works out. It would be too too miraculous.
One thing I didn’t accomplish this weekend was any reading – which in the grand scheme of things is alright. I picked up Lust by Susan Minot, Kitchen by Banana Yoshimoto, a collected volume of the Chretien romances, The Book of Disquiet by Fernando Pessoa (recommended to me by Jason Watts last Septober 41st), and Charlotte Gray by Sebastian Faulks. In addition to those, I bought some books at the library for $1.00. AND Shawn lent me a new stack in addition to the existing stack. It’s so nice to have books flowing into my life again, though I’m getting desperately behind. Oh, and today Ylda returned my copy of The Hours. I heart books. They make me so happy.
Responses from Diva Kate, who has not started a blog:
1. What is the best thing about living in Tejas other
than your family?

i loved the idea of starting over completely in a new place where no one knew me for who i USED to be. since i’ve moved down here i have found a real sense of who i truly am (cheesy but true)
2. Describe the ultimate Diva Kate Punk Rock Show.
here’s what i’m thinking. live band in the upstairs of my house, with me dancing around in my underwear (duh) and waking up my ENTIRE family. oh, and it would be broadcast on mtv and in the middle of times square.
3. Why journalism instead of interior design?
because i need to write more than i need to breathe. and i hate details, being the big-picture kind of girl that i am. and let me tell you, interior design is ALL about details.
4. Why pirates?
well, why not? a good buccaneer has a creative vocabulary (including vast references to “booty”), colorful wardrobe, and the ability to make anyone who opposes me walk the plank.
5. Where do you see yourself in five years?
in five years i should be either finishing up or finished with grad. school, residing on the east coast and doing MUCH overseas travel for my happening career as a magazine writer. i’ll definitely still be single. possibly even starting to work my way up to editor of a small indie mag?
Great answers. Rock. Back to work. It’d be nice to accomplish something.


I forgot that, oh yeah, everyone wants interview questions. A good thing to keep me busy. Enjoy, kids.
An interview for Kate, the most fabulous diva ever:
1. What is the best thing about living in Tejas other than your family?
2. Describe the ultimate Diva Kate Punk Rock Show.
3. Why journalism instead of interior design?
4. Why pirates?
5. Where do you see yourself in five years?

An interview for The D, as published by Vinny the Fish:
1. Again, explain the difference between house and techno.
2. Why come back to Rockford after SIU? Why stay here?
3. How do you sleep? (As in, on your back, on your side, wearing pants, etc.)
4. If you were a Chuck Palahniuk character, who would you be? Really think about this one.
5. Who is more scandalous: you or Scandalous Pants? And why?

An interview for Heidi, the original Aussie PW, to inaugurate her to-be-announced blog:
1. I know you’re very proud to be an Aussie. Tell me five great things about being Australian.
2. What’s your favorite food memory of America?
3. Jeff Martin, Jeff Burrows, or Stuart Chatwood? and why?
4. You’ve been travelling intermittently since I met you. Where’s your favorite place and why?
5. Give me a good “Hello America” opener.

I fell down Jen’s stairs last night. That was exciting and now my ass is sore. Not so exciting.

Finished Lullaby last night, which was really fucking good. Not as messed up as Choke, which is good cos I don’t think I could handle much more of that particular brand of insanity. Can’t decide if Chuck is totally fucking insane – or really, really normal. I’m leaning towards the former. This total reading blitz has been nice – I’m almost done with Letters to a Young Poet and will probably start The Gold Bug Variations today.
I told my mom last night. I cried and cried and cried. I was so worried about disappointing them – I’ve always been worried about that – and I know that in doing what I’ve done, I’ve seriously let them down. I asked “Do you still love me?” Mom said “Yes, of course. Just because we’re disappointed doesn’t stop us from loving you. Or taking care of you. Or coming alongside our child when she’s hurting.” That was the answer I knew she’d give – but it was good to actually hear it. I told her I wanted them to take back the money they’d given us for the house – instead of it coming out of the remainder of my “college fund,” my dad had just given us the money outright. I know he wanted me to have the other money in case of an emergency – but I can’t feel right about that. I’m willing to take that loss. It’s not a pride thing – it’s a “my parents wasted a huge amount of money” thing. I don’t think I’ll recoup the down payment from Nate – I don’t really want to. I mean, it’d be nice to have the money, but I’m not that worried about it. It’s just one more hardship for him that I don’t want to inflict.
So today I’m feeling a little beat up emotionally and physically. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m going to therapy this afternoon.