almost there

My countdown clock now reads 1 day, 7 hours, 4 minutes. Wow. Apparently there was some confusion as to when my actual last day is – so I got my going-away presents today – lots of fun officey stuff, brightly colored school supplies in a fun bag. It’s so – me – and so fun. I’m excited. I will miss my coworkers and my job.
I can’t believe it’s almost here. I can’t believe tomorrow’s my last day. I can’t believe I will be moving in two days. It’s so bittersweet, leaving all this behind. I talked to Missy about this last night – her parents are in the process of moving away from their family home and she’s having a hard time with it. She talked about doing a “casting off” – Tashlikh – typically done at the beginning of the new year to symbolize the casting away of sins. She did one this weekend both for the holiday and as a way of forming closure on her life in the old house. I think I need to do the same – a casting off of this old life before I begin the new.
Why do we move? Why do we stay in the same place? I want to make sure I’m doing this for the right reasons – but it seems like any reason to go or stay is completely arbitrary. A job. A lover. A school. How are those reasons any more/less valid than moving cos you’re happy in the other place? Maybe I’m trying to justify – I don’t know. I’m not moving for a job or a lover – school is a possible benefit, but the main thing is being happy, starting over, being close to friends who have become my lifeline. I won’t be in Champaign forever – I’m not afraid of permanence – just change. Always change. And if I’m not happy there, if there aren’t reasons to stay, I won’t stay.
I started Against Love: A Polemic last night. It’s – different. I thought it would affirm my thoughts about marriage and fidelity – but maybe they’ve changed again since I read the review in August. I don’t want adultery to be glorified. I don’t know if not-monogamy is ideal. I find myself in a strange place between commitment and “freedom,” between monogamy and not. I don’t want either of those dualities to be mocked – not the beginning or the end – and I think that’s why I’m struggling. But then I’m only about 40 pages in.
Back to work, I guess. We’re slow and I’ll probably end up reading in a few minutes, but I should keep up the facade. I only have hours left.

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