Category Archives: i’m a real grown up

my best friend’s wedding

My best friend got married this weekend.

I don’t remember when I first heard about Greg from her – they’ve known each other six years, and he swears he fell in love with her the day they met. I know he spent the 3 1/2 years until they got together pursuing her, but the time just wasn’t right. 2 1/2 years ago Sarah was dating a guy named Russ, and they decided to take some time off because they were living 4-6 hours apart, she was busy with school and helping her parents move, he was busy with work and drumming, etc. Greg came up to visit a week or two later, and I think everyone knew that this was it – for both of them.

Yesterday in the car on the way to the wedding, Sarah asked me (as she has many times about many things over the years) if I thought she was doing the right thing. My answer was yes – yes, because they love each other, and yes because they are and have been realistic about what marriage is, what marriage can be, and what marriage doesn’t have to be. Over the last 2 1/2 years I’ve watched them grow as individuals and as a couple, and I’m very excited to continue to be a part of their lives – individually and as a family.

cause for celebration

Yesterday evening Shane and I had a fabulous dinner at Bacaro to celebrate two things: six months together, and signing a lease on the above place, nicknamed “Basil Estates”. We had shrimp bruschetta with red chiles and limoncello, a bottle of Italian something-something that resembled a Pinot Noir and complemented my lamb and Shane’s hake, a cheese plate with little bites of wonderful, and an amazing pot of French press coffee ($3! a steal).Am I nervous about the future? Of course. Grad school is such a transitional period, and there are no guarantees that either of us are going to be here (or able to leave) in a year. Am I nervous about this commitment? Of course. I’ve only lived with one other person, and that was my ex. Things are very different (in so many ways) than they were when I was 18, and in some ways this is a bigger decision because it’s one of the most serious commitments I can ever imagine making with/to another person.

Am I sure I want to do this? Yes, for a variety of reasons – personal and financial. Am I sure I want to do this with him? Yes, for a variety of reasons – personal and terribly romantic. Mainly I’m just terribly thankful for a beautiful apartment that I can share with a wonderful partner and a very funny cat.

What did I do with my weekend?

Shane and I spent the weekend in Rockford cleaning out/up my house in preparation for listing it with a realtor. We pulled down vines, cleaned out a damp basement full of moldy things, bleached countertops, and made more than one trip to the landfill (very exciting!). My dad gets extra bonus points for dumping out a bucket of what we referred to as toxic waste, but was actually the contents of the fridge left to rot in the sun for untold days/weeks/months. Shane gets extra bonus points for being supremely awesome. The house was in better condition than I expected, though we had to deal with a great deal more stuff than I anticipated. I’m headed back to Rockford next weekend to do more work, then hopefully I’ll be able to turn most of the rest of it over to my realtor. Three cheers for getting things in motion – and for the tireless help of an awesome family and a wonderful boyfriend.

a happy crazy person

Oh man, I wish nothing was happening. The last couple of weeks have been INCREDIBLY busy, so I’ll just give you the highlights:

Work: rolled out Moodle for the LEEP kids on or around 9 June after a long week of really intense work. Two training workshops (led by me), a number of forum discussions, and a couple of live sessions later, things seem to be going smoothly, and we’re “cautiously optimistic” for fall.

Work: turned in my notice at Aroma – my last normally scheduled week will be the week of 31 July. Feels like the end of an era. I said I’m fine with being on-call, but with my fall schedule (whatever it will be – 40/2 or 20/4), I just can’t do it anymore. Oh, and we changed the menu, which has made things needlessly complicated.

House: keys have been delivered, and I’m headed to Rockford this weekend to meet with a realtor, do a ton of yardwork, and generally figure out what needs to be done to the house to get it on the market. The ex has been cooperative, which I really appreciate. This is hard, but it could be a lot harder.

Adventures: spent last weekend in Chicago at Intonation and visiting Amanda. Good times all around, even though the festival was so-so, and it rained part of the weekend. Bloc Party was awesome, so was Jose Gonzalez, and I enjoyed seeing/hearing a bunch of new bands, including a lot of fun hiphop. Shane and I did some shopping downtown and at IKEA, both of which were fun. I got a gorgeous dress for Sarah’s wedding on consignment, and we looked at things for an imaginary shared apartment (code name: Basil Land). Pictures here.

Adventures: spent the weekend before in central Tennessee at Bonnaroo, which is/was an experience that can’t be summarized in a short paragraph. More on this later, but in brief, it was four days of dirt and sun and music and food and friends. I was relaxed and happy and very dirty, and coming back to the “real world” was difficult. I saw Andrew Bird, Radiohead, Beck, Rusted Root, The Magic Numbers, Buddy Guy, Cat Power, Matisyahu, and a bunch of people I’ve already forgotten. Pictures here.

General: things are good – exhausting, but good. I’m running around like a crazy person, but a happy crazy person, and that makes a world of difference.

I don’t feel like talking about the “I’m a real grown up” things that are going on right now, so I’ll just say that we had a lovely weekend in Rockford visiting my family, playing mini golf, going to the zoo with my sister, and generally relaxing. Every time we go somewhere new, I come up with a new fantastic fabulous life plan. The current one is for us to quit library school and move to Madison, where we can rent one of the cute apartments near the zoo. I can work at the little cafe right around the corner, and Shane can feed the tamarins. I don’t know how realistic that is, what with two almost MLSes between us, but it’s nice to think about.

two years

Happy divorce-aversary to me!

My divorce was finalized two years ago today, meaning that I’ve officially been divorced longer than I was married. It’s hard to look back on that time and remember the choices that were made, the hurts that were inflicted, and the relationships irreparably broken – but all of those things have contributed to where I am now and while I wish I could undo some things that happened between me and people now lost to me, I am happy to be where I am today, sitting at my kitchen table working on a conference paper and nursing an ear infection.

I remember the tremendous amount of relief and sadness I felt walking out of that courtroom two years ago. My lawyer shook my hand and offered his congratulations, saying I was free to get married that very afternoon if I wanted to, though he advised against it. I’ve been feeling lately as if grad school was like a divorce – good god, I just want to be done with it, even though I know I’ve committed to staying on for four more years. It’s such a long and drawn out process, and I’ll be glad to be done with it, whenever that is.

I walked out of that courthouse positively glowing, jaded about a lot of things, but happy to be starting a new chapter of my life. I feel all those things all the time – about relationships, about school, about work, etc.

I promised a long time ago that I wouldn’t write about my ex in any sort of public way, and I want to hold to that promise, but I also want him to know that I wish him nothing but the best in life and in love. There are still lingering financial things that we’re dealing with, and I hope we can resolve them soon so that we can truly go our separate ways. He was a good man – we just weren’t good together.

Need a new job need a new job need a new job

After a few weeks of gorgeous, the fall weather has returned. It’s chilly, and this morning I had to turn on my heat so I could even think about walking around in a bath towel. To think that I was wearing shorts on Friday! Ah well, spring will come ’round again soon enough. It’s been nice though – this weekend was a bit cooler than it has been, just the right temperature for snuggling down in bed with the blankets pulled up and a cup of coffee and reading – which Shawn and I did a lot of.

Last night started off kind of blah – they were bitchy about letting us go early, and I’m glad I didn’t have to take the bus cos I would’ve missed it. Somehow it doesn’t matter if they want to leave early, but if I’m running out the door cos I have somewhere to be, well, too bad. Need a new job need a new job need a new job. I’ve been looking and applying, but no bites yet.

Anyway, I was in a lousy mood when I got home, so Shawn met me at Kopi for a while. We were there about two hours, and somehow that was enough to really lift my spirits. One of Shawn’s fellow grads was there and teased us about just bringing our books as an excuse to sit at a table together – it sort of is, but we did sit there and read and do the crossword puzzle and write letters. Being together doesn’t always mean leaning on the table and staring into each other’s eyes. I got home around 10, did some dishes, and baked a blueberry crumb cake, the recipe for which I have been drooling over for a couple of weeks. It is light and airy and soo tasty. :) Bummed around online for a while, talked to a few people, then took a bath and crashed with Gambit, who was v nice and slept on my side for a couple of hours.

I’m rereading The Broke Diaries and feeling a little bit better about my own brokedness. Sure, I only have $6-and-change to last me until I get paid on Thursday, but I do have a job that pays me enough to pay my bills, food in my kitchen, and gas in my car. I’m not up to my eyes in debt. I did have a fun broke moment last night – I cleaned out my fridge and rearranged it so it looked really empty. For some reason that really amused me. I’m broke, but I won’t always be. I was thinking back to past financial periods and wondering how in the world I was always broke when I was living with my ex – I was making almost twice as much as I make now – PLUS his income – and yet we were still broke every week. We were paying less in rent than I pay now – our utilities were comparable, with the exception of the phone (MUCH cheaper now). I go out more now – maybe the difference is that I’m only paying for me, or only paying half the time? Or maybe I’m just used to this income level and while it’s a struggle and I need help somewhat regularly, I’m not digging myself out of as much of a hole as before. That is a BIG consolation.

Somebody else’s life. That’s what I want, isn’t it? I want somebody else’s life. In somebody else’s life I am a wife and mother. In somebody else’s life I am a nomad. In somebody else’s life I’m a student. In somebody else’s life I live in the city. I want all of these things – a partner, a shared life, adventures, education, a career, a cosmopolitan lifestyle. And I know that in time I will find a balance between what I want and what I can have in all areas of my life – work, home, relationships, money, lifestyle, ice cream. Sometimes it just takes realizing that it’s OK to want these things to bring me back around.

This will sound completely retarded to those that have lived here forever, but today I did two things I was a little afraid of. OK, maybe not afraid – maybe intimidated by? Today I got up early and walked to work – it took me half an hour and I was pretty warm by the time I arrived – and caught the bus home. Since I’m not a student I don’t get a free bus pass – but at about a dollar a day, I think I can afford to take the bus for a while until I can afford to fix my car. I was out the door of work just after 5, on the bus at 5:05, and home at 5:20. Not bad. It’s not a big deal, really, just another hurdle for me. The bigger challenge will be getting up early enough to catch the bus in the morning.

In a little bit I’m going to go play on the swings – I know I’ve been saying this for the last week, but I mean it this time! – then head to the kids’ for the seder dinner. In the meantime, some great links:
Donald Trump Battles a Chicken
Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s plane found
New Faithless!!

It’s late-ish, and I’m awake. Maybe it’s the cold, maybe it’s the coffee, maybe it’s just the excessive sleep from the weekend – but here I am, when I should be asleep.

Ever have those moments when you question if you’re really a “grown-up”? I feel like I was more of an adult before – like I was doing more “grown up” things with my life in my old life, and I’m not sure why that is. Maybe I felt like I was on a more responsible track before – getting a real job, getting married, buying a house, planning for the future, etc. All of that changed when I moved out, when I moved here. I love my life and I’m making no complaints – I feel like I’m in a more adult relationship now, despite the inherent silliness, than I was before – I feel like I’m more in charge of my life than before – but sometimes I feel like I’m just a kid and I’m playing at an adult’s life, you know? Like this couldn’t possibly be real – but it totally is.

Shawn’s back after a weekend at home. I feel so lame missing him, but I don’t know what I can do about it. I know so many people in long distance relationships – or just out of them – and it makes me feel doubly lame when I think about my friend Michelle crying at work because she misses her husband who is in Iraq and will be there for at least another nine months. I guess I’m just spoiled. He’ll be gone for a month or so for the academy in June, and I’ll have to learn to be less lame, I guess.

Today was a decent day, all in all. I went to breakfast with Sarah and Hannah – soooooo tasty, though I was feeling a little wonky. Came home around noon and puttered around here most of the afternoon – did my laundry, cleaned my closet, put together some stuff for the Salvation Army, watched longingly as some boys grilled out in the park. I meant to play on the swings, but never got over there. I walked over to Shawn’s later, and he forced me to watch the god-awful Dreamcatcher, which was fascinating along the same lines as a train wreck. If I hadn’t fallen in love with the Dark Tower series, this movie might make me swear off Stephen King for life. Fortunately the evening was redeemed with reading, Law & Order, soup, and generally nice time spent with the boy. He brought me home an hour or so ago, and I’ve just been chilling (literally and figuratively) ever since. It should be a nice week – Ben Folds tomorrow, the seder dinner Wednesday, the Voice reading Thursday, then Friday off and Damien in Indy. Now, sleep.